Beowulf (1999)

The 1999 film Beowulf is one incredible b-movie.  If anything I have it to thank for the existence of this blog.  Had it not spurred me back into watching movies not conventionally good then I would not be here writing this.  The creators are the same people who made the Mortal Kombat films so expect some blatant similarities in costumes and techno soundtrack.  Many people despise the soundtrack but I am apparently impervious to Techno.  There are even a few songs I like in here.  The film is set in a sort of retro-futuristic world.  You know the type.  They still use horses as transportation even though they are capable of making a giant steam-powered castle with moving parts.  Basically anything they like from fantasy and sci-fi and they just mix it together as they please.  It stars Christopher Lambert as Beowulf and Rhona Mitra as Hrothgar’s daughter Kyra.  Did I mention the monster in this film is actually a monster?  Seriously, they call him the beast.

The film begins with Grendel the beast slaughtering people in the castle Outpost until king Hrothgar and some men come to confront it.  Grendel leaves upon the sight of Hrothgar after refusing to fight him. Immediately after that a terrified woman named Petra decides to get the hell out of Dodge and flees the Outpost.  Some of you may recognize Petra as Venezuelan actress Patricia Velasquez who guest starred on the show Arrested Development as the character Marta.  No?  Well I can’t blame you.  There were three people who played Marta in that show anyway.

Anyway this is a very bad move as a group of people guard the Outpost to try to keep people from leaving there fearing they are infected with evil from the beast.  They intend to kill Marta Petra but before they can Beowulf rides up and demands they release her.  The music goes all The Good the Bad and the Ugly and when they refuse a fight starts out.  After Beowulf wins the leader of the men lets them go.  But when Petra realizes Beowulf is heading back to the Outpost she runs back to the men and promptly gets killed.

Once in the castle the movie drags for a little bit so they can establish things like Beowulf as a 90’s antihero, and various subplots.   You have your standard love triangle between dark Beowulf, Kyra and Kyra’s friend Roland who just isn’t superhumanly strong enough to get promoted to love interest.  Things pick back up again when Grendel stops by to kill people predator style.  He kills the Outposts weapon suppler leaving them with only his young and incompetent apprentice.  For precaution, they lock the women and children into a sanctuary (not Kyra because she is the designated action-girl).  Grendel is already in there so he butchers everyone while Hrothgar’s men struggle to get inside. 

Once they do we are treated to an action sequence with techno music, Beowulf with a ridiculous arsenal of weapons (he has his signiture sword with a bicycle brake on it, two crossbows, two retractable hook things, and a knife that fires a pizza cutter), and flips.  Oh yes, the flips.  You know how Jean-Claude Van Damme always use to do splits during fights no matter how pointless it was or what the circumstances were?  Beowulf does that with flips in this movie.  Beowulf is severely injured by Grendel but like fellow anti-hero Wolverine heals like it was nothing.

The film now tries to resolve some loose ends.  Kyra tells Beowulf she killed her late husband because he was abusive (Roland was the other suspect).  Beowulf takes the young weapon maker under his arm and helps him overcome his doubts by telling him to forge an important weapon.  Unsurprisingly, Grendel turns out to be Hrothgar’s half human son which he had with Grendel’s mother (played by Layla Roberts) who is some sort of Succubus like demon. Yeah you just can’t seem to get around that in Beowulf movies.

Now in what is probably the greatest moment of the film, Beowulf takes on Grendel in an rematch.  They are fighting in a partially flooded dark room which makes the scene ridiculously fun when you see Lambert the stunt-guy evade the rubber-suit Grendel’s silly arm-flailing with his series of impressive flips.  Beowulf gets backhanded and choked in moments of cheesy glory.  Water splashes everywhere and before it settles Beowulf removes the arm of Grendel with the small blade the weapon-master made him.

Now in the poem this is where they would hang the arm on the wall of Heorot to celebrate the monsters demise, in this movie they hang it outside the Outpost where the men are camped out just so they will goddam leave them alone.  Beowulf and Kendra get together and Beowulf reveals that he is the half demon offspring of Baal.  However Grendel’s mother comes and wrecks the moment by seducing and killing Roland.  She then reveals the truth of Grendel’s origin to Hrothgar and Kendra and tells them that Hrothgar’s wife committed suicide after she was told.  She says they are on what has been her land since ancient times and Grendel is the rightful heir.  Hrothgar attacks her but the now one armed Grendel kills his old man.  Beowulf then promptly kills Grendel so he can move on to more important matters. 

The final fight has Grendel’s mother has her turn into a horrifically bad computer animation with actress Layla Roberts face on it.  This scene isn’t near as good as the Grendel fight but the crappy transformation alone is worth a few points.  He wins by cutting her throat and setting her on fire.  This leads to the destruction of the Outpost, luckily though anyone who isn’t named Beowulf or Kendra is already dead.  After the two make their escapes Kendra insists on staying with Beowulf and they ride away.

Overall the film is good stupid fun as an action film in my book.  Some would say that it strays too far from the poem but in my opinion while the setting is completely different it is the only film of the three which has a good vs. evil theme.  Sure Beowulf was part demon and all that but it was the Ninties and they loved their antiheroes to the point of madness.  It wasn’t a clash of civilizations like (the soon to be reviewed) The Thirteenth Warrior or some sort of crappy political commentary like Beowulf and Grendel.  In this way in spite of all the absolutely zany additions it stayed true to the heart of the poem.  Overall there is no way I can give this film less than a 5/5 considering how much I have watched it.  Check it out if you have questionable taste.